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Job Vacancy: Wanted One Professional Protester

November 15, 2009

Job Vacancy: Wanted One Professional Protester

There is suddenly an opening for in our organization in the department of professional protesting. Though you will not be directly paid by us we will be helping you fill in all the correct Social Security forms in order for you to be free at a moment’s notice. This is an on call position and you may be called to work weekends.

Dress Code:

Sloppy and unmade as possible

Dreadlocks for men or closely shaved heads for women

Clothes must either be tones of black, red, multicoloured or tie died. (The more feral the better)

Personal Hygiene will not be tolerated under any circumstances

Facial make up will be applied by professional face painters.

White disposable coveralls will be provided when required (However it is you responsibility to dispose of them in a safe and discreet manner away from any witnesses)

Masks will be supplied upon request

Skills and Attributes:

Must be able to learn slogans quickly and loudly for extended periods

Must be fit enough to lift a wheely bin and toss it several meters (whilst in a white disposable coveralls and wearing a mask)

The ability to suddenly fall on the ground and cry will be highly looked upon.

The ability to fall on the ground and cry in front of press photographers is considered a higher skill and will put you on the short list

Street theatre, failed actors and mimes are most welcome

The ability to run away after lobbing a rock is also desirable

Interpersonal Skills

A sneering sense of superiority combined with a persecution complex is helpful.

The ideal candidate would preferably be jaded and bitter towards all the ordinary people who do not appreciate what they are doing for them.

They should have a collection of sarcastic remarks and unfunny jokes as the centrepiece in their personal tool kit.

Socially alienated personal should see this as their chance to finally be somebody by getting back at everybody.

We would consider a person widely read if they have widely read what we tell them to read. All other material is counterproductive and will be scored low in our screening process.

The ability to look like a persecuted victim after tossing a wheely bin is highly desirable.

Training and Development

We are an equal opportunity organization, meaning that we want to see victims from all five genders.

You will be shown the basics of how to hijack a peaceful rally and turn it violent.

You will be shown how to stand in front of unsuspecting crowds to make our protests look bigger.

You will be shown the proper way to rattle off mantras and mottos to stifle debate.

You will be shown the proper way to get arrested, how loud to scream and the proper way to cry ‘Let me you go Fascist Pigs’ and ‘police brutality’.

About Us

We are a social organization and have socialized for a long, long time, so social in fact that we have added ‘ist’ or ‘ism’ to end of all our social gatherings.

You will be given plenty of reading material and expected to bonk everyone in the entire organization, including fluffy the Mascot.

The position is not permanent but is for an extended contract until the permanent returns in about eight to ten years, perhaps sooner if the appeal is a success.

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