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Performance Enhancing Drug testing for Artists

November 28, 2009

Performance Enhancing Drug testing for Artists


Drug cheats really have an unfair advantage over the rest of us in sport. It is really frustrating to go to a gym and see some Jim with bulging veins on his torso and sometime on his face. The Olympian who has the world record in the bag just next to his nasal delivery treatment is a fraud. The cyclist who can do all his business on his bike but can only urinate crystallized testosterone is making it hard for the rest of us. Some say that urinating crystals would be enough punishment but not sporting governing bodies. They have drug testing to stamp out the drug cheats and help create a level playing field. This is a good thing and stops the unfair advantage but what about the Arts?



For too long artists have been using performance enhancing drugs to make art easier.



Let’s face it, a lot of people want to be artists but they cannot compete with the drug cheats in the industry. These drug cheats have been able boost the performance of their creative juices by adding a few juices to their diet. They snort the snort; sniff the sniff, inject the fluid and take the pills to the easy path of creativity. So whilst some struggling artist is sitting for hours with a blank piece of paper, these drug cheats are high as a kite seeing flashing colours with their kaleidoscope eyes. It is unfair and should stop. It is wrong for the Beatles to come up with The Walrus when everyone else has to struggle four walls and their ugly mothers. Why should Puff the Magic Dragon not have to slowing come to life in the eighties rather than through accelerated process of ‘Little Jacky Paper’. Pink Floyd? Don’t get me started on how they should not be allowed to compete on a level playing field.



It is easy to ignore but think about all those young kids with no artistic talent and don’t use performance enhancing drugs. They must spend hour stealing ideas and rearranging them to look new, only to blow out of the water by Dali’s melting clocks. If he was tested today I bet his bones would have more LSD than you find on the street. It is not fair that we must listen for the hidden meaning in ‘Stair Way to Heaven’ when some poor kid is struggling with his 30 minute long folk ballad for Australian Idol.



So how do we do this? How do stamp out the creative drug cheats?


First we need a testing regime that is serious about it. No more of this: ‘Man are you stoned?’ crap, we need action. We must first start with the suspicious artists and go on from there. If someone is producing Doof, Doof check them for the Choof, Choof.

If some is paints like a child check to see if drugs have been applied.

If the cartoon elephant ever turns pink I suspect the artist is on the drink.



It is a very simple and soon we can have a drug free Artistic regime.

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