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Are You Humorless? Do this Survey to find out.

December 1, 2009

Are You Humorless? Do this Survey to find out.


There was some controversy when devising this survey because most people would balk at the suggestion that they are humorless. Yet I could just as easily ask if people are: over serious, worry warts, volatile or just plain lame. Any way you look at it, if you have own head up your own butt and get easily upset over minor differences of opinion you may have a serious lack of humor problem. Also known as Acquired Humor Deficit Syndrome or AHDS (pronounced aids). ADHS victims can often go on for years before they really understand that they have a serious problem. People in positions of power like bosses can be making lame jokes endlessly, not knowing that they are lame because their minions continue to laugh even when they are lame. Small groups of politically correct people become collectively humorless over time as they try to save the planet (or the universe these days, I can never keep up).


The survey will determine your ‘Level Adjust Humorless Median’ LAHM (Pronounced Lame). With the survey you can find out how incredibly LAHM you are. There are several types of LAHM individuals so make sure you are classified correctly.


Humorless Types:

Armchair Political Yak

They yak and yak and yak on about politics as if that is the only thing on the planet. Having bored all close and intimate friends away they try sabotage all other relationships with deep analysis of its post modernist implications. They honestly believe that by talking about world poverty they can make it disappear. Like Caesar they weep crocodile tears for the poor and at the same time scorn those that do anything to help the poor. A cup of tea is not just a cup of tea but ‘a long line of intergenerational oppression caused by the gender imbalance of the patriarchal oligarchy’. See, complete gibberish.

LAHM factor 10


Self Pitying Wombat


‘Moan, grumble, moan and why don’t the women flock to me?’ This critter has the nasty habit cracking mirror before he looks through them, just in case. Living in perpetual fear of having happiness snatched away this person will throw happiness away so that he does not get too attached. The habit start in the teens where for some reason it cool bitch and moan about nothing as they enjoy comforts that two thirds of the world can only dream about. Yet those two thirds are also making this person feel bad because they are too lazy to do anything about them. However moaning about things is better than doing nothing and being happy. This way the inactive body can feel good about itself by pretending to care about stuff that they have no intention of fixing. Boo Hoo nothing is done and the circle of self pity is complete.

LAHM factor 9.5


Cackling Fools

If Alfred Nobel wanted proof that humanity does need another prize the cackling fools offers an example what not to add. Bahahaha. Get it. Bahahaha! Hmmm I am impressed. Jokes that focus on the nether regions and reproductive organs are always fresh and new. Aren’t they? I mean wow how many times can someone say ‘dick’ and still get a forced laugh. It does not matter what is said as long as one of the cackling fools say it, then the rest will cackle on as if it is fresh and original. ‘Good one, you nailed him there; score.’ The purpose of the cackling fools is to convince themselves that they are intelligent by cackling like fools at derogatory statements and sarcastic insults. Wit? Sorry I just made up a word.

LAHM factor 10


Emotional Touchy Feely Types

I must be missing an inner female gene because when I searched myself for one all I found was sausages (oops intestines put them back). What is the inner female that I am meant to have and if I have one I want it to be a hot babe, size 6-8, pouting lips and ready for action. Actually scrap that and go for a real female that is on the outside. I assure you that they are much more fun.


Blokes who go out to the bush to howl like animals and cry like babies freak everyone out. The ones who buy a drum and join a heard of random drummers that have neither rhythm nor beat are just plain weird. What does all this navel gazing do except make the navel seem more important. Thus, if you stare into you naval long enough the naval will stare back.


Here is a hint for people who think that blokes care about feelings. They do not. If pressured they will make up some feelings base upon a book they are forced to read and tell their female betters that they have them. Actually they don’t have those feelings and would rather be at the dentist having raw nerve sucked from their gums than talk about feelings. Blokes who claim that they do are lying or trying to get into your pants.

LAHM factor 8.0


I is funnier than you…

It is sad to watch this train crash in action. Having won favor as a cackling fool they have lost sight of any real humor. Thus when something is genuinely funny they feel compelled to say that it is not.

LAHM factor 9.9


Theological Bong Sucker

I would have covered philosophical bong sucking but that would take a whole book to explain. However if we throw religion into the mix we get an unholy war where everyone is an expert because everyone can make up what they want. Imaginary villains and scapegoats can be used to justify any crazy idea on the planet. Theology is so complicated that experts tread softly and speak with reservation but Theological Bong Sucking Experts are subtle as a brick. Actually bricks are more subtle than the twisted logic used to justify everything from having twenty 25 genders to bumping off grandpa because he is flatulent. The purpose is not the resolve the issue but to have a really good screaming session in the process. We tried to ask what God thought of this but he was not allowed in.

LAHM factor 10+


Turf Warriors

Where is my MSN and the email as I dump a purpose built bombshell into the public arena. Yes, that will show em. It will certainly show em.” Show them what exactly? That you are incapable of distinguishing between the school yard and reasonable discourse? That you can keep a grudge? That your cronies (ie: cackling fools) can cackle at such efforts? Then as soon as you do, it is off to MSN to boast about it and to come up with a line of insults that will dull any possibility of intelligent discussion. That is so impressive, isn’t it?

The bottom line is that most people do not care. The little patch that you fight over is still just a little patch of crap and no one wins if they are king of a pile of crap. Yet like all power struggles the absolute lack of humor is at its core.

LAHM factor 9.7


There you have it. By identifying how LAHM you are you can work out how little humor you have. If your jokes are LAHM then it is a sure bet that you are LAHM yourself. So do everyone a favor lighten up, enjoy the season and maybe Santa will give you a funny bone for Christmas.

Ps: If you are mentally upset because I did not write Xmas then you have no sense of humor at all and require unserious help. Seriously.



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