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Define Dickhead

January 21, 2010

Define Dickhead

 

The term Dickhead is the common term used for a particular range of creatures that are both self sufficient and self destructive. Scientific name is ‘Richard Cranium’ for your common garden variety dickhead or ‘Richard Cranium Maximus’ for a variety that is much more active. The sub-species of the Dickhead can be broken down to breeds that have similar mental characteristics but often physically different. The origin of the ‘Dickhead’ lay buried deep in time, but historians pinpoint Alexandra The Greats’ tantrum at the end of the word as an early example of acting like a Dickhead. Running naked through the streets of ancient Athens yelling “Eureka, Eureka, Eureka,” is the only confirmed when a nude wet wrinkly old man turns up to the palace and demands to see the king. This is Dickhead behaviour and should never be mistaken with a born Dickhead. Such creatures are identified by the way they constantly repeat the behaviour. Not to be confused with Galahs that need alcohol to induce the endemic obsessive compulsive actions.

 

So how do we identify a dickhead and what is their purpose in life? Why hasn’t natural selection wiped them out as the annual Darwin awards would suggest? No one has a full explanation and more research needs to be done. Fortunately I have been compiling a dossier of Dickheads so that Dickhead spotters can find them also.

 

The Hoon Dickhead (Doofus Maximus)

This creature is harmless but a pest. The mating call of a Hoon Dickhead consists of screeching tires and cranking up the ‘Subby’.(still researching that one) The bouncing of the head to the beat is optional but the reverse baseball cap is not. Unable to communicate without a barrage of foul language the Hoon is a creature that believes it is cool to mimic Ali Gi on the top of its lungs or jabber on like a New York drug dealer. You will often hear the Hoon at night when everything else is trying to sleep.(Doof, Doof,Doof)

 

Ya-boss-isa Dickhead (Ballbreakerus oftenus)

This Dickhead needs to be constantly busy putting its finger in issues that don’t matter or have already been resolved. Meetings offer Ya-boss-isa Dickhead a chance to display its inferior intellect but superior head kicking skills. Often bad tempered they can usually only be satisfied when they find something to be upset about. Trainers recommend leaving something around for this Dickhead to satisfy its urge to be angry early in the day. Once satisfied the Ballbreakerus may leave you alone. However this creature is a predator and can randomly bite you for no reason. Later it will satisfy itself with a little self adulation and mindlessly repeating of the term: ‘Teamwork’.

 

Political Dickhead (Bore-us to Deathus)

Under no circumstances should you approach this Dickhead, do not even make eye contact. It is a danger to your sanity. Everything is political and this Dickhead will drive you mad explaining how it is so.

 

Conspiracy Dickhead (Brainus Nullus)

This Dickhead is like the Political Dickhead except everything is a conspiracy and political. You will be collectively more stupid after contact. It kills by frustrating its prey to the point that they wish they could kill themselves. It uses websites to lure its prey, which is mostly more of its own kind.

 

The Religious Dickhead (Jesus Freakus Outus)

The Jesus freak should never be mistaken for a religious of any kind. Instead it is like the mocking bird and is in love with the sound of the word Jesus. You can tell one of these by how quickly the quote inappropriate passages from the bible and link that to everything happening in the world. These Dickheads sometimes come door to door using brightly coloured pamphlets to attract new prey. (They may also offer a free cup of coffee when pamphlets are rare.)

 

The Anti-Religious Dickhead (You-Jesus-Freaks Freakus Outus)

Mortal enemy of the Religious Dickhead and the Ying to it is Yang. Where the Jesus Freakus Outus is suspiciously over happy the You-Jesus-Freaks Freakus Outus is suspiciously serious. They share some characteristics of vampires and suffer from holy-hydrophobia; even the mention of anything religious sends them into a wild rage. Christmas carols are like fingernails down a blackboard to this Dickhead.

 

The Absolute Dickhead (Stupendusly Stupidus Maximus)

The only Dickhead that thinks it is an expert on everything. Having attached itself to a cause like a parasite this Dickhead does everything in its power to discredit itself. Like lemmings the Absolute Dickhead will run headfirst into anything even though it lacks mental resources to cope. The Absolute Dickhead has traits of all Dickheads but has the additional handicap of thinking it is clever. Trapped in a constant mental loop of simplistic ‘Inductive Thinking’ everything is black and white. (Example: All Apples are red, Commies are Red; there for all Apples are Commies.) Any attempt to disagree with this Dickhead is met with hostility. However they are easily tamed when you agree with them. Kissing their butt is the only way to earn their respect. Normally used for amusement they will usually find other Dickheads of the same kind easily. You will often see them viciously attacking critics and return to their lair to kiss each other butt.

 

Conclusion

So there you have it, the results of study for all to share and add to. I am hoping to compile a complete guide of Dickheads and how to avoid them. Remember that the Dickhead can make others to become Dickheads also.

 

Can any add to this list and help me out.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. samaritan24 permalink
    January 21, 2010 5:38 pm

    Hi Damo,

    I have been reading your blog for a couple of weeks now, and kept meaning to leave a comment. But I’ve only just gotten around to creating a username.

    I think you should have a category for the type that thinks they are God’s gift to women. The sort that brush their hair 50 times a day, kiss every mirror they see and think all women are in love with them.

    Very funny post, by the way.

    Liz

    Like

    • January 21, 2010 8:52 pm

      LIz

      Thanks for you comments.
      It is good to hear from you again.

      I agree with that category. (Narcusus Cluelusus) ia latin term for it. Capt Bradigan is the best know examle of this.

      Like

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