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Great Pretenders

February 3, 2010

Great Pretenders

The world is full of pretenders. They are people who are getting through life using bluff as their capital weapon. Few things are as obvious as a great pretender even to the pretender themselves. They are the ones who find their level of incompetence and never lose confidence. They make their mark in the word like a set of skid marks going over a cliff. Often even the pretenders know that they are not fooling anyone but they have no plan B. Pretending is what they do and they will never change. They should be accepted for what they are and left roam free in the world. It is the way it is and the way it should always be. You cannot contain the pretentious any more than you can educate one. The only think we can do is to classify them and move on.

Classifications of Pretenders:

Warped Logic Pretender (Longis Windus Bullshitus)

This is a peculiar example of devolution where more knowledge actually causes the subject to become more stupid. Having never been over exposed to a critical literature they assume that they have attained enlightenment. They offer no sensible answers to complicated problems but give plenty of reasons about who is to blame. Most of these require 50 word sentences to explain and contain web links to dozens of conspiracy sites. They have few genuine friends because they are constantly analysing what friendship means. After deciding that it is a mixture of politics and sexual domination they change their mind and blame it all on religion.

Great Writer Pretender (Wankus Thanklus)

Having spent months getting a book published by a pay to print publisher this subject goes out to buy a smoking jacket and pipe. If they are a non-smoker they get a black tee-short and an old suit coat jacket. If they consider themselves as a radical then they buy a bong. Quoting a list of contemporary quotes makes them happy because that requires less thinking about image. Being a great writer pretender is all about image and ego but mostly image. They must practice their superior looks in the mirror daily and practice complaining about everything. They have a good method sorting out who they think is intelligent. People who kiss their arse are intelligent and those that don’t are obviously inferior being who will never write as good as they do.

Popularity Pretender (Annoyingus to Terminalus)

All over you like the spots of the measles, this pretender like to tell others how popular they are. Like woman are just drawn to him like a magnet and it such a problem that he has to beat them off with sticks. Of course when the claims are tested the subject seems to emit female repelling pheromones. (It must be because of the pressure.) In fact most women find the person somewhere between creepy and sleazy. It is not this persons fault because he reject better than them each day.

Wisdom Pretender (Pull the Otheronus)

High school was tough for this person. So tough that by the time they reached graduation they were both street wise and world wise. They knew the rules of the planet by exploring their own bedrooms so thoroughly. The level of angst they suffered was directly related to how wise they became. The street smarts they obtained by never venturing out into the street exceeds what most older people can image. Now in their late teens to mid twenties they set about telling everyone else what to think. They tell well read people that they haven’t read anything; they tell educated people that they are not educated; they tell parents how to raise child and they teach their grandmothers how to suck eggs.

Intellectual Pretender (Quotus Orwellus too Oftenus)

George Orwell must be rolling in his grave every time someone evokes his name to prove a point. Just because some has read ‘1984’ it does not mean that they understood it. Yet understanding and quoting have little in common for this subject. Instead we have a person that thinks only in term of how to find a quote by some other person that suits their agenda. It is all about how these people (insert prescribed ideological enemy here) are oppressing us just like in ‘Brave New World’. So being able to kill my sick grandmother saves us from the horrors of ‘Brave New World?’ Occasionally quoting some dead Greek guy does make it sound better. However questioning whether that dead Greek guy was talking sense is a cardinal sin for this pretender. Diogenes said it and that is good enough. If only he could relieve his hunger by rubbing his stomach.

Angry Pretender (Sour Pussus)

You are probably trying to avoid one right now. The false indignation and anger swell up endlessly in these subjects. Even if they are not angry they must act angry because angry people have suffered and victims are cool. (I call this the battled scared hero syndrome) Happy people are not cool because they are not victims. Playing the victim card is cool because you can take cheap shots and no one can hit back at you because… You are a victim. Ha, Ha, Ha. So being angry and a victim is like being a super villain.

Sarcastic Pretender (Oh Really)

Like the Angry Pretender but even more pretentious and precocious. In the real world where real people have to get along with at least one other person on the planet sarcasm is an unwanted spoiler. It offers nothing but contempt in place of what normal people say to each other. ‘How was your day sir’ is replaced with the sneering version saying ‘How was Yourrr day…. Sssirrr?’ Note the condescending attitude? That is the purpose of the sarcasm. It is all about contempt and not about understanding of anyone or anything else for that matter. Sarcasm is called the lowest form of wit for a good reason. It requires no intelligence to create.

Comedian Pretender (Forced Laughterus)

Now here is a real problem for the world. This subject actually thinks that they are funny when in fact they are being lame. Not that there is anything wrong with being lame but it does get to be a real pain when they try to give lessons in humour. Note to the humourless: you make us laugh at you, not with you. Yet this subject is so convinced that they are funny and satirically witty that they cannot contain their glee. ‘Mirror, Mirror on the wall who is the most beautiful person with their head up their own arse?’ Not that such people should be discouraged because they do provide entertainment for others.

No Agenda Pretender (Nutus Case)

With all the balance of a vampire promoting the flavour of blood these pretenders try to convince others that they have no agenda. Just because everything write reads like it came from The Socialist Alliance website, who am I to accuse them of pushing an extreme agenda? I never knew that so many mainstream concepts were so dangerous and oppressive until these subjects informed me. I did not know that there was a hidden and oppressed history that a small group of activists managed to uncover. I did not know that the words I use contain hidden messages to dog whistle up hordes of evil women oppressors. I thank these pretenders for informing and politically enlightening me about such things. I am very impressed with their ability to link everything to conspiracy sites and wacky professors from the USA. I will feel much more relaxed about their message after my lobotomy. Not that it is wrong for people to lobotomise each other in this age of enlightenment.

These are just a few examples of pretenders that haunt the corridors of powerlessness. We must never fear them because they deserve our pity in between our laughter at their antics and self congratulations. They are to be protected and cared for in a way they have grown accustomed. Within a domain which has no influence upon the world and they shall remain out of any area of real influence. Also we must always be careful to not make any powerless enemies.

Now we shall hand it over to the pretender to continue on with their pretentious utterances that impress us all.

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