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How Musicians Think: An inside story.

February 11, 2011

How Musicians Think: An inside story.

Showing Respect

‘Is this the studio we’re going to rehearse in?’ Leader asks.

‘Sure it is,’ the studio owner replies, ‘Billy Thorp used the same room before he died. The Melbourne boys choir too. And have you heard of some guy called Alice Cooper?

He stood right here and screamed out the first words of his last concert so that they could practice a change in the riff. You should feel privileges Mate. You are stepping into history. You can smell it? Go on take a deep breath and what do you smell.’

Leader takes a deep breath filling his nostril with every historic experience that the purple shag carpet has absorbed.

‘I can smell beer, old pizzas, lots of dope and a slight hint of urine.’

‘That is what we in the industry call history. You can’t fake that. It is the ghosts of the great musos in history. You are standing on holy and unholy ground.’

‘It looks like purple shag carpet from the seventies and I can see thing crawling in it.’

‘Ghosts,’ says the owner as turns to leave taking some of the smell with him. ‘Ghosts.’

Where is the Drummer?

‘Oh Crap, he’s late again.’ Tight Jeans the lead singer complains, ‘We’ve been here for an hour and where is he?’

‘Maaate,’ Surly the base player agrees, ‘He’s a proper tool.’ He stuffs the cigarette he was smoking into the strings at the head of the base guitar to practice the four notes he needs for every song.

‘Dude,’ says Frowney the lead guitarist, ‘He keeps doing this. He’s making us look like a bunch of pretenders. He might as well go back to the wedding band I was in.’

‘What are you saying?’ Tight Jeans asks as he adjusts the headband that hold his wig in place.

Frowney frowns, which is something he can do well, as carefully speaks, ‘Perhaps we should consider using the device?’

Everyone stops instantly and glares at him with horror.

‘But the device is inhuman…’ Tight Jeans says slowly.

‘…And unthinkable we are a death metal band,’ adds Surly ,’that means we have a moral standard to uphold.’

‘Dudes I’m not saying that I approve of the device but others have used it and surely we must consider using it if we have a desperate situation. Like a ticking clock or and urgent gig. The device may be inhuman but to do nothing is cowardice. And I just happened to have one in my gig bag here.’

Slowly he reaches into the canvas bag and slowly reveals the device. It is more horrible than either of the other two could ever imagine. Embossed across it as if to offer defiance to the world are the words that they had sworn to defends against: Roland 808 Drum Machine.

‘Maaate,’ Surly slowly speaks, ‘if I’m gonna burn in heavy metal hell I would rather it be for the 909.’

By the way, nothing personal but…

‘By the way Dude, nothing personal but you look like crap on stage.’ The leader of Hotcrotch says the leader of Snarlin Crud.

‘What we had this place jumping,’ Snarlin Crud replies with indignation, ‘We had all twenty five people who turned up jump’n. Jump’n!’

‘Don’t get me wrong Dude, I’m not knocking you music (this time), it just that you look like crap on stage.’

‘What wrong with us? We had smoke, lights and even pyrotechs… What about the laser? You have to love the laser. It is so power full it can cut through a kitchen knife. We modified a surplus military weapon.’

‘Its not the laser Dude, the laser was cool. It was you.’

‘Me? What’s wrong with me?’

Hotcrotch sucks the foam off his imported beer before saying, ‘You’re a boot starer.’

‘A what?’

‘A boot starer,’ he explains, ‘You stare at your boots all the time when you are playing.’

‘I’m doing Grunge, that what we do. We stare at our boots when we play. It’s a Grunge thing, you have to understand it to know why.’

‘Don’t get me wrong Dude I said it wasn’t personal but if a rival band won’t tell you then who else will? Boot staring was finished as an art-form last year when the first Grunger started to look at the camera in video clips. Jeez Dude, I though you were cutting edge, or so you keep saying.’

‘We are cutting edge. We are so cutting edge that we cut another edge beyond the edge you are thinking about… Anyway what about you do on stage?’

‘What do I do wrong?’

Snarlin Crud tears a bit of silver off his imported beer label before saying, ‘You’re a nose scratcher. You scratch your nose on stage. Not just one or twice but at least ten times. I didn’t want say anything but if a rival band want then who will? You keep scratching and scratch your nose like you’re trying to scratch it off. Everyone keeps waiting for you to pick it.’

Hotcrotch leans back on his chair and carefully chooses his words, ‘Nothing personal Dude but your music sucks.’

Snarlin Crud rest back also then replies, ‘Nothing personal mate but even your taste in music sucks.’

Missing equipment and the ultimate lie

‘Where is it?’

‘It’s on the Truck…’

You’re not even in my league!

‘Hey you! Yes you! Pay attention I know what I am doing and you don’t. Just because we let you in here it does mean we have to treat you like a human. I was a roady for Midnight Oil; I helped set up the speakers for a Kylie concert; Elton John invited me to a back stage party, my ex girlfriend has slept with better people than you have even met so start paying attention to me. You worthless little scum who will never amount to anything because you haven’t got the tiniest amount of talent. You should fall at my feet and worship me as all my adoring fans do. Now straighten up and so that we can do this properly and in away that does not humiliate you further. Now on the count of three we start again from the top. 10 year olds to the left, 9 year olds to the right, Three bears look alive and where the hell is Goldie Locks?’

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